Right Here and Now

"Yep, I was right, it's an alien." My roommates from college are cracking up if they are reading this I'm sure. It's a long story and an inside joke from my student teaching days. All of those many moons (4 years) ago. Basically to us it's a funny story but something that also means: I was positive about this. I am seeing it. I know what it is. But yet, I am completely wrong. It has been a while since I have reflected on anything. This occurred to me in an assessment class I'm taking in which my professor stated, "You do not need to do the reflection that is on the syllabus". I blurted out (without even thinking): "Noooooooo! I love reflections!". Later on I clarified and told my professor it was okay about eliminating the extra requirement, I could reflect elsewhere.

That got me thinking about how little I have actually sat down and put to paper (or computer), or processed it in my brain what I have experienced teaching so far. Sure, I talk about my job to my family, friends, and boyfriend, but have I actually reflected upon it? No. I have not. But I think I need to. I have a JOB! I have had a job since August! Hence, why a blog has been at the bottom of my list.

This job has been very exciting. I work at a school for students with a range of disabilities. If I had to go back in time, I would definately NOT take three grad courses on top of my first year of teaching, but it's all been worth it. All of the late nights, tears, vent sessions, caffeine, lack of social life (and showers) has so far made me feel like I'm doing something important. Not just because I am devoting so much of my time to my classroom and learning about everything I possibly can to help my students, but because I just feel it. Sure, there are days when I think, "I am teaching them nothing!" or "I could do so much more!"but all in all I can say I love what I am doing. I also think I'm doing a pretty decent job (ask me again around VAAP season and I will probably cry).

I have experienced so much so far! Things I cannot really share on a public venue such as this, but it was definitely things I never anticipated. I was right, it is hard. I knew it would be (see previous blog posts for my realistic understanding of the world of special education). At the same time, I am discovering in this field, you can know SO much but at the same time, know nothing at all.

Accepting that I cannot control my students' lives at home, trying to understand their struggle day in and day out, and figuring out how to get them to do anything without a Matchbox car has been a challenge. The unexpected events I NEVER thought I would encounter as a teacher were also a wake-up call about the way that world is. And how little I can do about it.

So, my goal and focus thus far has been something I learned in the beginning of this semester of classes. I do not know where I read it as I have gone through countless books, articles, and resources but it is to remember to "See the whole child, not just their behaviors". This little reminder has gotten me through some tough circumstances. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Fred Rogers. It is complied in the book, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember and located on page 53. It reads, "Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now".

This so beautifully explains my day in and day out with the students I work with. That is all.

Lindsay

Here I Go Again.

Nervous, 

Anxious,

Shaky,

Excited,

Hopeful,

Optimistic,

Positive, 

Confident, 

So many feels! Mixed feels. 

When I began interviews in June, I was more nervous than anything. Now, it's almost time for school to start and I'm getting more and more anxious than nervous. Anxious in a good way. It's been a peaceful month as my summer classes ended on July 17th. 

The entire interview process is very reminiscent of the auditions I use to go on when I was younger. The difference being instead of trying to prove I can sing, act, and dance (or at least move well enough to keep up with everyone else) I am trying to prove I can teach in a special needs classroom. That I am the best candidate for the position. Back in the day if I didn't get the part, I could chalk it up to "I'm just not what they were looking for". I guess I could say the same here. Except this time I cannot say "Maybe I was too tall" or "Maybe they wanted a brunette". At least, I really really hope this would not disqualify me from a position. If so, we've got a whole other problem on our hands. 

It's been an awesome summer full of sunshine and freedom. It's as if I've been re-charging. Gearing up for what's to come. I'm ready. So ready to just jump in head first and get started in this world of teaching. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared. But it's a good scared. The kind in which it means I'm reaching for something that is going to challenge me more than I have ever been challenged before. I'm ready. I can do this.

The girl at Starbucks spelled my name right. That's got to be a good sign!

May sunbeams find you!

The Miracle of My Mistakes

This past year and a half has been a whirlwind for me. I decided to go back to school, quit my job, and pursue a new career. All the while trying my best to overcome some things I could not stop beating myself up over. Two years ago I was living for me. And only me. I was selfish and thought I was invincible. That is never true. About a year ago, I learned otherwise: mistake, after mistake, after mistake. I was exhausted and ready for a wake up call, which came at just the right time. I had lost myself. I had been on the road of "finding myself" and in the process just made wrong turn after wrong turn. 

I had to stop living just for me. I have been handed a life of few struggles and trials. I brought negativity upon myself. Self defeating thoughts being a part of my every day life. At the same time, I learned a lot. I actively turned my life into what I want it to be. I began pursuing something that means something to me. And discovered I need to use my life doing something for others who need me. 

 I was not handed this life of little strife to walk around in a field of flowers eating ice cream and chasing butterflies. I was put here to get my hands dirty and do some good. To help others in ways I hope to soon discover. In ways that will challenge me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

If it weren't for my mistakes, I don't know if I would be at the state in my life. This place of accepting my flaws and focusing on the forward. Onward and upward! 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

It's almost August?!?!

Whew! Holy summer! I cannot believe July is almost over. As of June 30th, 2014, I no longer work in the insurance industry. I finally took the plunge to focus all of my efforts on grad school and job searching for a position in a classroom with individuals with disabilities. It's been a bittersweet transition to say the least. On my last day of work, I took every back road home just crying and praying. I have been unbelievably blessed with my job for the past three years and have formed lifelong relationships with my boss and co-workers. The support and love I have felt there was incredible. I will be forever grateful for the experience I got at Service First Insurance. That being said, I thought of five critical things that my experience in a seemingly unrelated field taught me about work and life. 

1) What a full time job is. 

Before starting at Service First Insurance in July 2011, I had never had a full time job. It was not easy accepting that I had to get up every morning Monday-Friday and if I didn't want to- Welp, too bad. It's a job, not a vacation. It's called "work" for a reason. Go figure! 

2) "It is what it is". 

This phrase was spoken at least once a week in our office. I am the type of person who takes things (especially work related things) really seriously. When something went wrong or I messed something up, I would usually get pretty upset. Cue walking in to Rick's office on the verge of tears and him saying, "It is what it is". And he was usually right. Whatever it was, it worked out and everything turned out okay!

3) Don't take it personally. 

Working in any customer service position, there are times the customer, or insured, is not happy. Whether it's a premium going up thanks to a claim, a late fee, or "my neighbor's insurance is much cheaper!", I talked to some unhappy people. I've been called names, screamed at, cried at, it was an interesting position to be in. There were so many times I wanted to say, "Sir, I did not increase your insurance premium". However, I was the first contact. I was the one who answered the phone and was a real live person he/she could talk to. Once I learned to stop taking things so personally I made for a much better customer service representative. 

4) Experience is everything. 

I do have a VA insurance agent license. I had a big book that I studied and studied and studied. I learned nothing from that book. I learned more from Vickie, Rene, and Rick on a daily basis than I could have ever got from studying for the insurance licensing exam. Their experience and knowledge about insurance was what taught me about the field. All of the funny/ tricky things insurance has to offer, between the three if them, there was always an answer. 

5) Not everyone has a "First Grown Up Job" nightmare tale. 

It wasn't always a walk in the park, or a field of flowers, but as a whole, my first "real world" job experience was wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better boss or coworkers. I feel like we became a sort of work family. Not in a cheesy, "Let's all have a movie night and go out to dinner every month" sort of way, but in a real way. I spent the majority of my time for the past three years with these people and they were there to listen to my heartbreaks, family venting, and when I really screwed up, they were there to let me know how much they cared. 

The Little Things

(One of my "caught in the rain and captured on camera" moments. I really like the rain. . . Only in the summer- when it's warm)

As much as I LOVE the sunshine, I also really love the rain. This week I was lucky to get caught up in the middle of a downpour. The day was Thursday, I was wearing an exceptionally cute outfit, and it was a very good hair and makeup day. As I left the building I was in and started to make a dash for my car, I stopped. In the middle of the rain. It felt nice. Given where I was at, I couldn't exactly spin around, but I really wanted to! When I got to my car (trying not to look a little kooky walking slowly in the rain) I just stood there for a few minutes. Soaking wet in my cute outfit, I couldn't help but smile. A real, serious smile. The kind that makes your cheeks hurt and your heart happy.

It made me think of all of the times that has happened recently. I'm happy to say it's been quite a few. I thought about it and it's these little moments where your heart is so happy your face can't help but smile that make life look like a really wonderful thing. One of those "I LOVE MY LIFE" moments. June is almost over but I feel like it should still be February. The truth is, a June like this is something I would be happy to go back and do all over again. Not because it was perfect or because it was a walk in the park, but because I've started to stop and take a second to look at all of those little moments that mean so much. 

Specifically: getting caught in the rain, jumping off of a very large tree into the river, "floating" on that river in silence with some of the greatest friends I have ever met just taking it all in (the trees, the sounds, the sky, that place of total peace), seeing Tim McGraw and Luke Bryan with two of my favorite people in the whole world (both if them laughing hysterically at my "concert moves"), hearing a song on the radio that just makes my heart smile and scan through all of the stations to try to hear it again, catching up with the person I use to spend every day with and her "Ahhhhh" when I walked in the door to her grown up apartment, group texts with my sister and cousins, and lastly realizing that all of these things are so important. They should not be taken for granted, but celebrated. It's the little things. 

May sunbeams find you.

Lindsay

My Dad

When I was fourteen years old, my dad came to me and said if I ever had any questions about ANYTHING to come to him. At the time, I had no idea what he meant. These past few years, I slowly (mistake after mistake after mistake) began to understand. Throughout all of my slip ups and shortcomings, my dad has been there. To talk to, to cry to, to laugh about, and to just "be" there. I don't think there is anyone who quite understands me like my dad does. So, yesterday being Father's Day and all, I narrowed it down to 10 Great Dad moments: 

1) That time when I was about six and listened to the Eric Clapton song "Tears in Heaven" on repeat for an entire day. It made me so sad and I would not stop crying- all I wanted was my dad home with me. My mom called him and he left work and came home just to make me feel better. (And for later for taking me to see Eric Clapton, himself live. I was ten. My Dad was awesome.) 

2) Playing Candy Land with me for HOURS. 

3) SO many Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, O-Town, and Aaron Carter concerts. And putting me on his shoulders to get a better view.

4) Not telling mom when he caught me watching Friends in my room when I was little and I wasn't old enough to watch it.

5) The many hours of overtime and side jobs he worked to provide for our family. And letting me come with him Barbies and all.

6) Always being there for every soccer game, softball game, dance recital, play, and every other extracurricular I decided to embark upon. 

7) The very first time my heart was broken, my dad came upstairs, didn't say anything, but held me so hard as I was sobbing my heart out. He didn't leave until I fell asleep. 

8) My dad is never one to not share his thoughts on politics, or religion. I am so thankful for his faith in The Lord and love for this country. 

9) My Hallmark Movie buddy. We can watch Hallmark movies over and over again and they never get old. And there's that moment in every single one where one of us will say, "He wants to kiss her, he wants to hug her, he wants to love her" (a la Sandra Bullock in Miss. Congeniality). 

10) For putting up with three women for 20 years. A house full of estrogen and hormones. It's not easy- but he does it. 

And lastly: For letting me know how proud of me he is on a daily basis. It means the world to me.

I wouldn't be the person I am today without the love and support of my father.

Seeing all of the post on Facebook and Instagram yesterday about all of the "best dads" out there was really wonderful! There are some great ones out there! At the same time, my heart is breaking for those who don't have the "best dads". Or for those who do not have their dads here anymore to spend that special day with. My heart goes out to you. In my life recently I have come to notice how incredibly important it is to spend time with those you love. No one is promised tomorrow. As annoying as my Dad's snores are (think. . . Chainsaw),and the phrase "Are all of the curling irons off?!" EVERYTIME we leave the house, and the angry stomps to the garage about something breaking in the house- I love it all. I wouldn't change a thing. 

I love you Dad! Thank you. 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

I Don't Know How You Feel

I think many times when attempting to comfort another person, a phrase I have heard (and spoken) very often is, "I know how you feel". I admit I have been guilty with using this phrase, especially if I considered something I experienced along the same lines of the other individual. However, I want to be clear that with the field I am going in to, that is not a phrase I will be throwing around.

With readings for class, volunteering with individuals with disabilities, talking to other professionals, and parents, one thing is clear: I do not know how they feel. I have never struggled with a disability that makes ordinary activities challenging. I do not know how it feels to have a child with any sort of disability (or any child for that matter). I do not know what it feels like to see one of the students I love struggle with health or other issues out of their control (and that I cannot help with at all). I just don't. As much as I want to put myself in their shoes, the reality is, I am just not there.

I have been given a different path in life. One that has been full of opportunities and void of many struggles. I have never quite understood why I have so much and others do not. Why have I not had a life in which trials were a part of my every day walk of life? It's not fair. I do not understand and have not found an answer to this. But I am not wasting any more time trying to figure out why. I have been given skills, opportunities, and want to help others and share what I can. I have wasted a lot of time "YOLO-ing" and living for me and I have come to the conclusion that bad things happen when I'm all up in my own head. It's time to step outside of "me" and use my blessings for good. I want to do "good".

That being said, to all of the parents, students, and individuals I hope to work with one day I would like to say:

I have no idea how you feel. I will not even begin to compare my challenges to your daily life experience. But I want you to know I am here to help. I am here to take the abilities and heart I have been given and try to make your world a better place. I will not always succeed at this, but I want you to know I will do everything in my ability to try. I want to make your daily routine a little more manageable, spread awareness to the community, and become an advocate for you and your families. I do not know how you feel, but I am on your side.


May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay