The Miracle of My Mistakes

This past year and a half has been a whirlwind for me. I decided to go back to school, quit my job, and pursue a new career. All the while trying my best to overcome some things I could not stop beating myself up over. Two years ago I was living for me. And only me. I was selfish and thought I was invincible. That is never true. About a year ago, I learned otherwise: mistake, after mistake, after mistake. I was exhausted and ready for a wake up call, which came at just the right time. I had lost myself. I had been on the road of "finding myself" and in the process just made wrong turn after wrong turn. 

I had to stop living just for me. I have been handed a life of few struggles and trials. I brought negativity upon myself. Self defeating thoughts being a part of my every day life. At the same time, I learned a lot. I actively turned my life into what I want it to be. I began pursuing something that means something to me. And discovered I need to use my life doing something for others who need me. 

 I was not handed this life of little strife to walk around in a field of flowers eating ice cream and chasing butterflies. I was put here to get my hands dirty and do some good. To help others in ways I hope to soon discover. In ways that will challenge me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

If it weren't for my mistakes, I don't know if I would be at the state in my life. This place of accepting my flaws and focusing on the forward. Onward and upward! 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

It's almost August?!?!

Whew! Holy summer! I cannot believe July is almost over. As of June 30th, 2014, I no longer work in the insurance industry. I finally took the plunge to focus all of my efforts on grad school and job searching for a position in a classroom with individuals with disabilities. It's been a bittersweet transition to say the least. On my last day of work, I took every back road home just crying and praying. I have been unbelievably blessed with my job for the past three years and have formed lifelong relationships with my boss and co-workers. The support and love I have felt there was incredible. I will be forever grateful for the experience I got at Service First Insurance. That being said, I thought of five critical things that my experience in a seemingly unrelated field taught me about work and life. 

1) What a full time job is. 

Before starting at Service First Insurance in July 2011, I had never had a full time job. It was not easy accepting that I had to get up every morning Monday-Friday and if I didn't want to- Welp, too bad. It's a job, not a vacation. It's called "work" for a reason. Go figure! 

2) "It is what it is". 

This phrase was spoken at least once a week in our office. I am the type of person who takes things (especially work related things) really seriously. When something went wrong or I messed something up, I would usually get pretty upset. Cue walking in to Rick's office on the verge of tears and him saying, "It is what it is". And he was usually right. Whatever it was, it worked out and everything turned out okay!

3) Don't take it personally. 

Working in any customer service position, there are times the customer, or insured, is not happy. Whether it's a premium going up thanks to a claim, a late fee, or "my neighbor's insurance is much cheaper!", I talked to some unhappy people. I've been called names, screamed at, cried at, it was an interesting position to be in. There were so many times I wanted to say, "Sir, I did not increase your insurance premium". However, I was the first contact. I was the one who answered the phone and was a real live person he/she could talk to. Once I learned to stop taking things so personally I made for a much better customer service representative. 

4) Experience is everything. 

I do have a VA insurance agent license. I had a big book that I studied and studied and studied. I learned nothing from that book. I learned more from Vickie, Rene, and Rick on a daily basis than I could have ever got from studying for the insurance licensing exam. Their experience and knowledge about insurance was what taught me about the field. All of the funny/ tricky things insurance has to offer, between the three if them, there was always an answer. 

5) Not everyone has a "First Grown Up Job" nightmare tale. 

It wasn't always a walk in the park, or a field of flowers, but as a whole, my first "real world" job experience was wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better boss or coworkers. I feel like we became a sort of work family. Not in a cheesy, "Let's all have a movie night and go out to dinner every month" sort of way, but in a real way. I spent the majority of my time for the past three years with these people and they were there to listen to my heartbreaks, family venting, and when I really screwed up, they were there to let me know how much they cared. 

The Little Things

(One of my "caught in the rain and captured on camera" moments. I really like the rain. . . Only in the summer- when it's warm)

As much as I LOVE the sunshine, I also really love the rain. This week I was lucky to get caught up in the middle of a downpour. The day was Thursday, I was wearing an exceptionally cute outfit, and it was a very good hair and makeup day. As I left the building I was in and started to make a dash for my car, I stopped. In the middle of the rain. It felt nice. Given where I was at, I couldn't exactly spin around, but I really wanted to! When I got to my car (trying not to look a little kooky walking slowly in the rain) I just stood there for a few minutes. Soaking wet in my cute outfit, I couldn't help but smile. A real, serious smile. The kind that makes your cheeks hurt and your heart happy.

It made me think of all of the times that has happened recently. I'm happy to say it's been quite a few. I thought about it and it's these little moments where your heart is so happy your face can't help but smile that make life look like a really wonderful thing. One of those "I LOVE MY LIFE" moments. June is almost over but I feel like it should still be February. The truth is, a June like this is something I would be happy to go back and do all over again. Not because it was perfect or because it was a walk in the park, but because I've started to stop and take a second to look at all of those little moments that mean so much. 

Specifically: getting caught in the rain, jumping off of a very large tree into the river, "floating" on that river in silence with some of the greatest friends I have ever met just taking it all in (the trees, the sounds, the sky, that place of total peace), seeing Tim McGraw and Luke Bryan with two of my favorite people in the whole world (both if them laughing hysterically at my "concert moves"), hearing a song on the radio that just makes my heart smile and scan through all of the stations to try to hear it again, catching up with the person I use to spend every day with and her "Ahhhhh" when I walked in the door to her grown up apartment, group texts with my sister and cousins, and lastly realizing that all of these things are so important. They should not be taken for granted, but celebrated. It's the little things. 

May sunbeams find you.

Lindsay

My Dad

When I was fourteen years old, my dad came to me and said if I ever had any questions about ANYTHING to come to him. At the time, I had no idea what he meant. These past few years, I slowly (mistake after mistake after mistake) began to understand. Throughout all of my slip ups and shortcomings, my dad has been there. To talk to, to cry to, to laugh about, and to just "be" there. I don't think there is anyone who quite understands me like my dad does. So, yesterday being Father's Day and all, I narrowed it down to 10 Great Dad moments: 

1) That time when I was about six and listened to the Eric Clapton song "Tears in Heaven" on repeat for an entire day. It made me so sad and I would not stop crying- all I wanted was my dad home with me. My mom called him and he left work and came home just to make me feel better. (And for later for taking me to see Eric Clapton, himself live. I was ten. My Dad was awesome.) 

2) Playing Candy Land with me for HOURS. 

3) SO many Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, O-Town, and Aaron Carter concerts. And putting me on his shoulders to get a better view.

4) Not telling mom when he caught me watching Friends in my room when I was little and I wasn't old enough to watch it.

5) The many hours of overtime and side jobs he worked to provide for our family. And letting me come with him Barbies and all.

6) Always being there for every soccer game, softball game, dance recital, play, and every other extracurricular I decided to embark upon. 

7) The very first time my heart was broken, my dad came upstairs, didn't say anything, but held me so hard as I was sobbing my heart out. He didn't leave until I fell asleep. 

8) My dad is never one to not share his thoughts on politics, or religion. I am so thankful for his faith in The Lord and love for this country. 

9) My Hallmark Movie buddy. We can watch Hallmark movies over and over again and they never get old. And there's that moment in every single one where one of us will say, "He wants to kiss her, he wants to hug her, he wants to love her" (a la Sandra Bullock in Miss. Congeniality). 

10) For putting up with three women for 20 years. A house full of estrogen and hormones. It's not easy- but he does it. 

And lastly: For letting me know how proud of me he is on a daily basis. It means the world to me.

I wouldn't be the person I am today without the love and support of my father.

Seeing all of the post on Facebook and Instagram yesterday about all of the "best dads" out there was really wonderful! There are some great ones out there! At the same time, my heart is breaking for those who don't have the "best dads". Or for those who do not have their dads here anymore to spend that special day with. My heart goes out to you. In my life recently I have come to notice how incredibly important it is to spend time with those you love. No one is promised tomorrow. As annoying as my Dad's snores are (think. . . Chainsaw),and the phrase "Are all of the curling irons off?!" EVERYTIME we leave the house, and the angry stomps to the garage about something breaking in the house- I love it all. I wouldn't change a thing. 

I love you Dad! Thank you. 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

I Don't Know How You Feel

I think many times when attempting to comfort another person, a phrase I have heard (and spoken) very often is, "I know how you feel". I admit I have been guilty with using this phrase, especially if I considered something I experienced along the same lines of the other individual. However, I want to be clear that with the field I am going in to, that is not a phrase I will be throwing around.

With readings for class, volunteering with individuals with disabilities, talking to other professionals, and parents, one thing is clear: I do not know how they feel. I have never struggled with a disability that makes ordinary activities challenging. I do not know how it feels to have a child with any sort of disability (or any child for that matter). I do not know what it feels like to see one of the students I love struggle with health or other issues out of their control (and that I cannot help with at all). I just don't. As much as I want to put myself in their shoes, the reality is, I am just not there.

I have been given a different path in life. One that has been full of opportunities and void of many struggles. I have never quite understood why I have so much and others do not. Why have I not had a life in which trials were a part of my every day walk of life? It's not fair. I do not understand and have not found an answer to this. But I am not wasting any more time trying to figure out why. I have been given skills, opportunities, and want to help others and share what I can. I have wasted a lot of time "YOLO-ing" and living for me and I have come to the conclusion that bad things happen when I'm all up in my own head. It's time to step outside of "me" and use my blessings for good. I want to do "good".

That being said, to all of the parents, students, and individuals I hope to work with one day I would like to say:

I have no idea how you feel. I will not even begin to compare my challenges to your daily life experience. But I want you to know I am here to help. I am here to take the abilities and heart I have been given and try to make your world a better place. I will not always succeed at this, but I want you to know I will do everything in my ability to try. I want to make your daily routine a little more manageable, spread awareness to the community, and become an advocate for you and your families. I do not know how you feel, but I am on your side.


May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

Crying on a Backpack

I had a bit of a "moment" this evening. After reviewing assignments for the upcoming week, I realized I missed three from the previous week. Participation points, yes, but still I find it unacceptable. I have held myself to a much higher standard in this Masters program than I ever had before. Looking at my June calendar I am feeling a bit on the "busy" side. Work is a mandatory, then add some 20 hours for grad school, some doctors appointments, mom's surgery, and then some really fun things planned on the weekends. I really do enjoy being busy, but I am also someone who enjoys Criminal Minds marathons and naps. 

This evening when I got on to see I had missed some assignments, I had my "moment" and emailed my professor about dropping the course. I also texted my friends I wouldn't be able to go kayaking this weekend (a trip that's been planned for over a month). After a quick response that my grade is not tarnished and that I should be able to catch up (but withdrawing is still an option), I had to take a step back. I have some busy things going on right now, but what is it going to be a year from now? When I am teaching or involved in other things? How would I fit it all in then? And how in the heck does anyone do this college (grad/undergrad/associates/ANY OF IT) with a spouse and kids?! There's a reason God thumped on my heart that this is the time for me to be pursuing this. 

One of those little quote-y things that makes its way around Facebook, Instagram, and Pintrest is, "Do something today your future self will thank you for". Welp- today this is it. I'm not withdrawing, I'm not canceling on my friends. I'm going to suck it up, work twice as hard as I have been, and put my daily calendar to good use. 

Maybe I will miss out on a nap, and maybe I won't watch TV this week, but I've got to get to it. Who knows where I will be in a year, but I know I want this particular class completed. If I'm busy now, chances are I will always be busy. Sounds like life. I think I'd like to go back in time and have a serious talk to my younger self when I whined the words, "I'm booooooored". 

It's going to be a full summer, but I've also got to make time for the fun stuff too. Like baseball games, concerts, kayaking, baby showers, and trips to a village safari. I've just got to learn to focus and plan, plan and focus. And maybe utilize my dry shampoo more often. 

My future self will thank me. 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

One Hand in My Pocket.

"Hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morrisette was one of my favorite songs when I was 6, and then again when I was in college. I thought I knew the meaning of this song at 19, but the lyrics settle with me now more than ever. At 19, I thought by 24 I would absolutely have it all figured out. But here I am, almost 25 and I'm more clueless than ever about this thing called life. 

I guess I could say I thought I would be somewhere else by now. I would have a career, maybe a husband, live in a big city or on the beach, be able to afford that convertible I have always wanted, and really be a "grown up" out there on my own. 

Little did I know, things don't always turn out how you think they will. One of my favorite phrases is, "If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans". I don't think I would have ever foreseen I would be just starting my career, going back to school, living at home with my parents, driving the same car I did when I was 17, realized that not everyone marries their high school sweetheart, and still residing in little ole Sumerduck. 

Although I think my 19 year old self might have been a little disappointed by this reality that is my life, I wouldn't change a single thing. Sure I complain quite frequently about wanting to live in my own place in a big city or near a beach somewhere, but that's not in my near future. And that's okay! 

How blessed I am to have two parents that let me still live in their house and actually like having me at home? I have to stop sometimes and take a step back because I find myself seriously complaining about having parents who love me too much and want to help and support me in any and every way they can. How amazing is it that my little Saturn has had little to no problems since I got it in 2007? Holla atcha Saturn. I'm so glad I found out at 20 (and again at 22 & 23) that some people are just not meant to be together. Though I think I'm a little behind (I had a plan remember?) I am so amazed I found my calling and it's something I love studying and working towards. 

I look around at all my friends who are getting married, having kids, moving out on their own, starting new jobs, and it's all so exciting!

If someone would have asked me 6 months ago, I would have been honest and said, "I'm jealous. Yes. Jealous. I want to do those things!". That bitter evil green monster would always get the better of me. 

But now, I have a sort of new perspective on things. Maybe it's the beautiful weather getting to me, or the pretty blue/green calming tones all around, but I'm happy about life right now. I have found a place of peace within my heart. We're all a part of some journey. We all have our own story to tell. We all battle demons of some kind. We all reach these milestones at some point in our lives. Some sooner, some later, some never at all, but we're all in this crazy thing called life together. 

I don't know exactly what my future looks like at all. I don't know exactly where I'll be, what I'll be doing, who's going to be around, or where my journey is going to take me. And I find that the most exciting part of all.

 I know what my calling is. I know that I need to be in a field where I am helping others. The rest? I'm looking forward to seeing what happens. 

"What it all boils down to, Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

'cause I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a high five".

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay