A "Talk" In Your Shoes

A month ago my school Speech and Language Pathologist came to me with an idea to have a whole school "silent lunch" in which students could only communicate using the "Core Boards" (boards we use with students who are non-verbal or who have minimal communication). She thought this would be a good event to have during Kindness Week for "We Are All Unique" day, and it would give general education students a better understanding of just how difficult, challenging, frustrating, and lonely it is to not be able to speak like everyone else. She wrote a script and I created a couple of videos. The first shared what AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) is. In the second, I told of times where I have had trouble speaking or lost my voice. The day of the event I modeled how to use the board and how to use gestures and pointing for words that are not on the board. She also printed Core Boards and passed out to each teacher. I thought to myself, we are surely going to a lot of effort for something that might be a huge failure.

Oh Miss. Rose of little faith! It was a major success! I had teachers coming up to me the day before saying they had students that were so excited. Of course there were some kiddos not on 'board' (hee hee- core board humor). But for the most part, students were quiet, respectful, and they did their best to use the boards to communicate. And they did an AWESOME job! I had kids making sentences! Telling me "Hi! How are you?" It was MAGICAL! And the cafeteria staff were quite pleased as well. To top it all off I gained my 15 minutes of fame from my videos! "Miss. Rose! There she is!" remarked  few first graders as they passed me in the hallway. I feel SO cool!

Some of the kids were interviewed by our county Assistive Technology superstar afterwards and I really think some kids gained a more empathetic understanding of their differently abled classmates. Some found it really sad and hoped they would find their voice someday and others thought it was really cool that they were learning to talk in a different way. It became a true "talk" in my students' shoes. And it made my heart so happy!

On a much heavier note, I felt like I had my own little "walk in someone else's shoes" experience recently. So this week has been a weird one.  One day all for teacher work day and the other for professional development.  Now, I should preface this by saying I have complete acceptance over the differences in my job and a general education teacher's job. I could not be a General Education Teacher. I tried (student teaching)! And I nearly failed. My world is Special Education and I wouldn't have it any other way. That being said, there were a couple of moments this week where I wished things were. . . different. I wished for an ideal world in which EVERYONE understood that there are some kids that we, fully certified teachers, teach, that do not fit into any mold.

It all began at a Professional Development in which the presenter stated, jokingly, that a Kindergarten expectation should be going "pee pee in the potty". Well sir, not quite. Some students have intellectual or physical disabilities that make it very difficult or impossible to toilet without full or partial assistance. Then there was another meeting in which a video was shown where students came back and told their past teachers how much they meant to them. It was very heartwarming and probably reminded a lot of teachers of their "Why". But considering my students have many communication difficulties, some not being able to verbalize at all, it is not something I should base my "why" on because that day may never come. I get it, my kiddos are less than 1% of the population and if you had a meeting that covered very aspect, program, and classroom as it related to every student, we would be in Professional Development day in and day out. Just once I'd like the presenter, to tell me the modification, tell me how to apply this to students with Moderate Intellectual Disabilities, instead of, "This doesn't really apply to you", or "You know your students".

As I started to feel all "Everyone needs a sensitivity chip!" holier than thou on my pedestal, I started to think about my students' parents and families. If I am feeling this way over two to three circumstances, how must they feel ALL the time. I wouldn't say it was a "walk in their shoes" because I got the whole Monday through Friday 8:30-3:30 thing down but outside of that, I'm clueless. I can say completely that I have a lot more compassion and understanding for the families I work so close with. I also have a lot more caring and a more open heart for my Doodles.

Do they drive me bonkers most of the time? Yes.

Do they require a "Groundhog Day" format to teaching every day (otherwise we might just forget everything)? Absolutely!

But would I change any of that to fit in and not be saddened by a couple things in a Professional Development meeting?

No!
Way!
Jose!

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

A Little "Earthy Crunchy Granola"

It all started with a game of BINGO! About four years ago my mom and I were at a charity Bingo game and while I didn’t win any of the bingo games, I did win a raffle. My prize was a gift certificate to something called Pitaiyo (Pilates, Tai Chi, and Yoga). That gift certificate sat in my dresser for a little over a year and I was so glad when I finally got around to using it, it was still valid. Thus began my Earthy Crunchy Granola journey. My favorite part about it at first was just someone telling me how to breathe. In the first year of my teaching career I didn’t really do much breathing. Three years later here I am, listening to someone tell me how to breathe on a nightly basis (meditation y’all).

The school year ending this Friday feels just surreal. It's kind of one of those "too good to be true” feelings. This year has been a year of learning experiences (and that is putting it nicely). So much soul searching, digging for motivation, asking for help, etc. was what this year was made of. And to be honest, I didn't think I'd make it to the end in one piece. Or with any semblance of sanity left. I hope and pray this year was just a season in my career because I do not see myself doing anything other than work with individuals with disabilities and I also don't like the idea of being a "burnout". That's where the earthy crunchy granola comes in really handy.

To be honest I have a little idea of how I survived (And with only a handful of public breakdowns and lots of venting (winning!)). It all has to do with a little Hippy Dippy, Woo Woo, Earthy Crunchy Granola and ACCEPTANCE. This year I have grown so much spiritually. Every misstep, every wrong thing said, every mistake, every struggle, lends an opportunity for me to draw closer to God. To have a relationship with my Creator and be willing to step out of the way to let Him do HIS work. I can’t do that when I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I have to be still. I have to meditate on His word. I have to take care of this body I have been given. I have to slow down my mind and LISTEN. I notice when I get too busy for the things I know work (prayer, meditation, journaling) everything is just so much. . . Harder.

This past school year, as bad as things got sometimes, I experienced more tears because of joy, the feeling of God surrounding me, and laughter than ever before in my entire life. I have so much more compassion for those around me. Monday I was given a reminder that I, Lindsay Caroline Rose, do not have any problems. If the greatest struggle I have is work related, I’m in a really good place. It hasn’t always been that way. For so long I was drowning in a sea of self loathing, self pity, frustration, and fear. I am slowly learning how to manage life on life’s terms and working with myself not against. And that is accomplished, like everything else, one day at a time. Some days are much better than others. Some days I’m spiritually fit and others I’m just glad I got through the day without having to apologize to someone. I am starting to realize, that’s OKAY! That’s life!

I honestly can’t say what the year would have been like without these spiritual tools. Probably wouldn’t have signed that contract on June 1 stating I will be back for another wild ride in August.  I know I will face more challenges in the years to come. I will probably be faced with many challenges as early as tomorrow. But for right now, my heart is full of peace. A peace that came with a release of control and complete surrender. A peace that will be there if I keep the faith and do the things I know work for me.

 I’m grateful for the struggle. I’m grateful for the hardships. And let’s be honest, I’m grateful the last day of school is Friday.

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

Five More Minutes. . .

Recently I have been hearing this song (Five More Minutes by Scotty McCreery) every time I turn on the radio. It's one of those that give me all of the feels no matter what mood I'm in. "Five more minutes" has come out of my mouth many times for many different reasons. When I was little hearing my mom's whistle from the woods behind my house letting us know it's time to come in. The night before college graduation hanging out with all of my friends before we went into the real world (or back to mom and dad's).  That last conversation I had with my Mommaw. Most frequently, practically any time the alarm goes off in the morning.

This is the first week back from Spring Break, getting back into the swing of things, and practically anything that's ever been due in the history of teaching is due next Friday. I like to call it my final exam time of year. Early mornings, late nights, less showers. Yesterday I had a "Five More Minutes" moment. There's a time during the day when the playground is empty. When I get a crazy notion, I take my doodles out there and we have the place to ourselves for about 45 minutes. IT. IS. MAGICAL. I don't have to do that thing I do at Recess with grade levels where every minute I'm scanning for all of them, I don't have to worry about stressing the importance of personal space and explaining that the prompt verbiage for the other kids is "hands off", I don't have to start prepping them 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes before their homeroom teacher calls the whistle- they get to just BE. Do not get me wrong, it's not a free for all. We do work on expressive language, turn taking, and safe choices but it's just so much more enjoyable when you're outside surrounded by playground equipment (and when you're hanging upside down on the jungle gym).

Yesterday, I was on this stool thing and one of my gals was spinning me around. I was going so fast my surroundings were just a blur and a rainbow of colors. I was yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHH! Slow down I'm gonna puke!!!!!" and my students were laughing so hard! Then I went down the slide a time or two. After that, 1/2 way up the rock wall (it's really scary). Then flips on the jungle gym and lifting up three or four doodles so they would get a turn on the monkey bars.

When I saw 2nd grade coming out for their recess I was so dissapointed. I wanted to stay out there for 5 more minutes! Maybe I wanted 5 more minutes because I knew I'd be at school until really late. But maybe. . just maybe. . . I like those moments where I'm not a real grown up. And when I can just be silly and enjoy them without worrying about how they are coping with the world around them. We just get to be ourselves. Just how we are.

This job is hard. Like really really hard. Lots of jobs are hard. Life is hard. Things will always try to distract me, zap my joy, and take me away from recognizing how blessed I am every single day. But not if I don't let it. Not if I continue to pray and trust that there is a plan at work that is greater than my own. A dear friend of mine has been teaching Special Education for over twenty years. One particular day this Fall I was struggling. Big time. So many "not fairs!" I asked her how she handles it. Her response: "Pause. Breathe. Pray." If I take the time to do that everything changes. Not just with work. With any curve ball life or my crazy mind takes me. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the paperwork, the data, the emotions, the setbacks, the regression, the planning, the prepping, the laws, but that's not why I do this. Those things just come with a job I LOVE to do. I've got to focus on the joy and concentrate on what I can give back to this world. Playground afternoons keep me sane. Next week I hope we have good weather because I can't wait to try to master the rock wall.

And next week, I'm going to take those five more minutes.


May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

A New Perspective

It has been said that I have a very good memory. The problem is, I typically remember things that seemingly have no significance whatsoever. One of these memories is when I was in the fourth grade and my dad was helping me with my math homework. I can remember sitting in the living room in this old blue chair that was my homework spot when I didn't want to sit at the kitchen table. I was frustrated with division! That is when I turned around in the chair, put my feet up into the air, and let my head fall upside down. As my dad is Charlie Brown teacher-ing me division, I think to myself "The living room looks so different like this!" Everything is the same and yet it is not the same at all. Everything looks familiar- there's the couch, the coffee table, the lamps and yet it was like I was looking into a different world. This memory is very vivid in my mind.

This summer I had the opportunity to teach ESY (Extended School Year) services. I was placed as the High School Severe Disabilities teacher. I was excited for this new opportunity and looking forward to getting out of my comfort zone. It's true- I got out of my comfort zone and honestly it was so different than my year round teaching gig it didn't even really feel like work. I was at a different school, had different ages of students, new paraprofessionals, and experienced working with a new population (Moderate vs. Severe).  There were a few similarities: I was teaching around the same content, doing crafts, cooking activities, and songs I had sung before but overall it was like another planet.

When we came back to school in September and I got to get back to work with my doodles (for some this will be the third year in a row with good ole Miss. Rose), I had a brand new perspective about it. They are the same students, same classroom, same content, but it all looked different. Just like how my living room looked from upside down. Everything in my classroom was still there but yet it was rearranged some way in my mind. I saw how much my students have grown in the past two years, and not so much on what I still needed to teach them. My students are following two step directions, walking in the hallway with their peers, hanging up their coats, sitting in a group, finishing tasks without hand over hand assistance, washing their hands independently, some are READING- I could go on and on bragging about the abilities of my doodles.

Progress in my classroom is slow and steady. My new perspective this summer helped me to see my class in a whole new light. To keep raising expectations, to continue teaching skills they will need for the rest of their lives, and to keep believing they can accomplish so much more than any label puts on them!

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

My Why

Wow! It has been exactly two years since I last got on here. Since my last blog post two years ago I have gotten a job with a public school system in rural Virginia as an elementary ID (Intellectual Disabilities)-Moderate teacher, and I have officially earned my Master of Education in Special Education Adapted Curriculum K-12. So short story short- I have achieved what I started in September 2013. Hooray! I have arrived!

 At a faculty meeting at school two weeks ago we were talking about our "why". For me, there are about a million reasons why but one stands out bigger than the rest- THE SPARK. The thought crossed my mind last night, as I walked into my house and thought, 'I cannot sit down or I will not get up. And if I don't get up I won't get a shower, or brush my teeth, or take my makeup off, or eat'. So I kept going. This happens to me many nights. As a special education teacher I feel like I give everything I have to my students almost every single day (except that one where we watched Trolls- but it was a half day and we were eating breakfast then lunch and it has such a good message. . .anyway). Every single day I leave my classroom I am more often than not exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. And if I'm not exhausted I am jumping off the walls from either caffeine or sugar. I can't say which is worse. Why do I do this?

Then, I think back to student teaching in a Kindergarten classroom in 2011. I left exhausted, but I also left defeated. I was crying tears of frustration, hopelessness, and selfishness. Towards the end of my student teaching experience I didn't care. I hated even the idea of teaching and if I ever stepped foot into another classroom it would have been too soon. Flash forward to 2017 and I have been teaching for 2.5 years. I try to give my all every day because I LOVE what I do. I have a spark. A spark that tells me this is exactly where I am suppose to be. That I am making a difference.

I want to give my students the best education I possibly can. I want to make school a happy place. I want to raise my expectations so high they have no choice but to reach them. I'm not going to limit them but what an IEP says. Or some online info about various disabilities.  I'm not going to accept mediocrity. Most importantly I am not going to let them down. I am their teacher. They have a right to learn. A right to be exposed to all of the math, reading, science, and social studies in addition to the functional, adaptive, social, basic and general life skills. I'm here to do all of those things.

So why am I a special education teacher? It may be exhausting but it's a good exhausting. One that tells me, "You did it! You did all you could today! Doesn't that feel good?" And it does. It really does.

Oh Boy!

Oh my! Oh boy! So, after a week of no school (thanks to President's Day combined with lots of snow) I think I've forgotten what my students look like. . . Just to remember what I do for a living, and to avoid cabin fever, I thought I would take a second to reflect on my favorite times this year so far.

As I have a classroom full of boys, I have had to tackle and quickly learn the world of cars, Minecraft, BeyBlades, TechDecks, and Pokemon (totally had ZERO idea that Pokemon still existed)! I have also had the pleasure being a part of some very funny difficult confusing interesting conversations. Many of which have left me either speechless, cracking up, or shaking my head saying "Oh boy!" (sometimes all three!). Some laughable tidbits:

All of my students at one point or another: "Ariana Grande is soooooooooooo beautiful!"

Student A: "I'm not getting a job when I'm older- that's what I'll have a girlfriend for".

Student B: "Miss. Lindsay, I am pretty sure you forgot to brush your hair today. You must have overslept".

Student A: "Do you shave your legs? I do not want a hairy teacher".

Student A: "Miss. Lindsay, can you do that thing where you close one eye and keep the other open?"
Me: "Winking? Why, are you trying to learn so you can wink at girls?"
Student A: Oh NO! I am not that kind of guy!"
Student D: "I AM!!!!"

(As I am putting chapstick on)
Student A: "Miss. Lindsay, what is that?"
Me: "Chapstick. Because my lips are dry. Don't you use chapstick?"
Student A: "I don't need to. I shower."

Student A: "Miss. Lindsay, what's a virgin?"
Me: . . . silence. "Umm, uh, ummm, well. . . Let's go ask Mr. James!" (the school counselor)


Oh these kids never leave me with a boring day. On Friday (over a week ago. . . or month. . . or year- THE SNOW HAS GONE TO MY HEAD!) as the school week was winding down, I sat in my classroom with my students watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (since we couldn't have recess outside), singing, drawing, and just basking in the calm that I had helped create for the day. It's rare when these moments happen. Even rarer when I have enough time to sit down and think about how lucky I am to have this opportunity. To be something to these kids. Because they will probably never even know just how much they have changed me forever in such a short amount of time.

May sunbeams (and snowflakes) find you!

Lindsay

Please Snow- I am a Teacher!

Holy snow! While we didn't get a blizzard, we got enough snow to have THREE days off of school!!! And being in Virginia: snow=no school.  Although I am liking this unexpected vacation, special needs students really do like their routine and consistency. The weather, however, does not seem to understand this. As much as I am liking living in leggings, cozied up on the couch with hot chocolate, and watching Food Network, I am mentally preparing myself for the next day back to school. Preparing myself because for kids who really do not respond well to changes (cue: Speech Day Meltdowns).

I am preparing myself for either: 

1) Cabin fever boredom- meaning they have been so bored at home these past six days they are so excited to be back learning will be a welcome change; or 

2) Can't Stop Won't Stop the Non-learning- meaning they had a lot of fun over the break (playing video games I'm guessing) and if I try to teach them anything, I am going to be met with resistance. A LOT of resistence. 

We shall see! It could be either! I'm preparing lessons that were meant for Tuesday of this week filled with a "Beginning of the Week" style plan. Which means WAAAAAAY overly planned lessons that most likely were to overlap onto the next day/week/two weeks. That's if they are in the mood to learn.  . . I am also planning "Solar System Jeopardy", "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Uno", "Time Bingo", and "Junior Monopoly". For some reason regardless of the content I am trying to teach or review, they have no idea they are learning if I put it in a game. MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA. 

Potential

Whew! It's Friday! The Friday of a three day long weekend on top of that! Woo hoo! Happy Dance! Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! (It will not get out of my head). . . I think I've expressed it correctly but to be clear, this teacher is really excited it is Friday! It was just an odd week. I felt like everyone was a little off. It wasn't a bad week by any means just a little different. Still. . . I am glad it is Friday!

Every day, I try to write something down that made me laugh. I will compile them all some day, but for know they are post-its or scribbles in my calendar. This week, one of these comments really got to me. Being able to determine what my student know varies based on the day, hour, and minute. Some times they know everything (really! The things these students can recall astounds me!) and other times. . . not so much. I was asking one of my students what they knew about energy. I asked if he has ever heard of the word "kinetic". He said "No". I asked if the word "potential" sounded familiar. Without even pausing he said, "Potential. . . what a beautiful word!". He has no idea what it means, he just liked how it sounded. This in itself was just beautiful to me because without even knowing the meaning of the word, he appreciated it.

Potential is the word that comes to mind every time I think of my students. Not in the sappy, big dreams sort of way, but in their everyday actions. They all have SO much potential. From academic things like being able to tell the time, to remember the order of the planets, to be able to write a poem, to edit their own work and get their ideas on paper. Potential for mastering functional skills like not having a meltdown when they have to stop their "screen time", or saying "I want to kill myself" when they get a question wrong when we're playing jeopardy. Potential is a beautiful word that is endless. Every time we're in the middle of a meltdown or a tantrum I have to remind myself that this is opportunity for improvement. This is something we can work on! There is potential and room for so much growth!

Even on the oddest/off-est of weeks, there is potential! There is always potential.
(But I am still glad it is Friday :) )

Another Unexpected Special Education Discovery!

Day to day, week to week, I am discovering so many things I was not expecting. I knew getting into this field that this would be the case but the differences I am finding still make me shake my head and ask (or cry) "Why?". Recently it is the unkindness I have been experiencing in my classroom. I have implemented the "Caught You Being Kind" Jar, in which every time I see a random act of kindness I add a marble. When the jar is full, we earn a movie and Ice-Cream. As simple and "old-school" as this may be, it has been working. . . with CONSTANT reminders and reinforcements. Is it too much to ask my students just be kind to one another without me rewarding them?! The short answer. . . YES! Right now, that is too much to ask.

In my graduate classes we went over numerous times spreading acceptance and embracing the differences in our special needs students. We learned different things to say and do to other students within the school to help educate the general education students and make them aware of various disabilities. It is difficult being in a special needs school, as it is not educating individuals without disabilities, it is educating students with their own disabilities about other disabilities. I always thought in this environment maybe students would feel like a team and avoid making fun of one another and making inappropriate comments. But that is not the case. It happens here too. We are trying to enforce empathy and understanding in our students in relation to their peers. Some days I am so happy when I see a positive interaction between two individuals that was not happening before. Other days, it feels like I am walking up a down escalator. It’s a challenge, but my goal is for  all students, regardless of their disability, to have respect and empathy for those around them. But most importantly for them to just be nice! 

A jar, marbles, and ice cream party are not going to make my students kind consistently over night, but the tiny bits of progress I am seeing are enough to make me realize it is possible. 

Next adventure: Interrupting! 

 

Right Here and Now

"Yep, I was right, it's an alien." My roommates from college are cracking up if they are reading this I'm sure. It's a long story and an inside joke from my student teaching days. All of those many moons (4 years) ago. Basically to us it's a funny story but something that also means: I was positive about this. I am seeing it. I know what it is. But yet, I am completely wrong. It has been a while since I have reflected on anything. This occurred to me in an assessment class I'm taking in which my professor stated, "You do not need to do the reflection that is on the syllabus". I blurted out (without even thinking): "Noooooooo! I love reflections!". Later on I clarified and told my professor it was okay about eliminating the extra requirement, I could reflect elsewhere.

That got me thinking about how little I have actually sat down and put to paper (or computer), or processed it in my brain what I have experienced teaching so far. Sure, I talk about my job to my family, friends, and boyfriend, but have I actually reflected upon it? No. I have not. But I think I need to. I have a JOB! I have had a job since August! Hence, why a blog has been at the bottom of my list.

This job has been very exciting. I work at a school for students with a range of disabilities. If I had to go back in time, I would definately NOT take three grad courses on top of my first year of teaching, but it's all been worth it. All of the late nights, tears, vent sessions, caffeine, lack of social life (and showers) has so far made me feel like I'm doing something important. Not just because I am devoting so much of my time to my classroom and learning about everything I possibly can to help my students, but because I just feel it. Sure, there are days when I think, "I am teaching them nothing!" or "I could do so much more!"but all in all I can say I love what I am doing. I also think I'm doing a pretty decent job (ask me again around VAAP season and I will probably cry).

I have experienced so much so far! Things I cannot really share on a public venue such as this, but it was definitely things I never anticipated. I was right, it is hard. I knew it would be (see previous blog posts for my realistic understanding of the world of special education). At the same time, I am discovering in this field, you can know SO much but at the same time, know nothing at all.

Accepting that I cannot control my students' lives at home, trying to understand their struggle day in and day out, and figuring out how to get them to do anything without a Matchbox car has been a challenge. The unexpected events I NEVER thought I would encounter as a teacher were also a wake-up call about the way that world is. And how little I can do about it.

So, my goal and focus thus far has been something I learned in the beginning of this semester of classes. I do not know where I read it as I have gone through countless books, articles, and resources but it is to remember to "See the whole child, not just their behaviors". This little reminder has gotten me through some tough circumstances. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Fred Rogers. It is complied in the book, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember and located on page 53. It reads, "Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now".

This so beautifully explains my day in and day out with the students I work with. That is all.

Lindsay

Here I Go Again.

Nervous, 

Anxious,

Shaky,

Excited,

Hopeful,

Optimistic,

Positive, 

Confident, 

So many feels! Mixed feels. 

When I began interviews in June, I was more nervous than anything. Now, it's almost time for school to start and I'm getting more and more anxious than nervous. Anxious in a good way. It's been a peaceful month as my summer classes ended on July 17th. 

The entire interview process is very reminiscent of the auditions I use to go on when I was younger. The difference being instead of trying to prove I can sing, act, and dance (or at least move well enough to keep up with everyone else) I am trying to prove I can teach in a special needs classroom. That I am the best candidate for the position. Back in the day if I didn't get the part, I could chalk it up to "I'm just not what they were looking for". I guess I could say the same here. Except this time I cannot say "Maybe I was too tall" or "Maybe they wanted a brunette". At least, I really really hope this would not disqualify me from a position. If so, we've got a whole other problem on our hands. 

It's been an awesome summer full of sunshine and freedom. It's as if I've been re-charging. Gearing up for what's to come. I'm ready. So ready to just jump in head first and get started in this world of teaching. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared. But it's a good scared. The kind in which it means I'm reaching for something that is going to challenge me more than I have ever been challenged before. I'm ready. I can do this.

The girl at Starbucks spelled my name right. That's got to be a good sign!

May sunbeams find you!

The Miracle of My Mistakes

This past year and a half has been a whirlwind for me. I decided to go back to school, quit my job, and pursue a new career. All the while trying my best to overcome some things I could not stop beating myself up over. Two years ago I was living for me. And only me. I was selfish and thought I was invincible. That is never true. About a year ago, I learned otherwise: mistake, after mistake, after mistake. I was exhausted and ready for a wake up call, which came at just the right time. I had lost myself. I had been on the road of "finding myself" and in the process just made wrong turn after wrong turn. 

I had to stop living just for me. I have been handed a life of few struggles and trials. I brought negativity upon myself. Self defeating thoughts being a part of my every day life. At the same time, I learned a lot. I actively turned my life into what I want it to be. I began pursuing something that means something to me. And discovered I need to use my life doing something for others who need me. 

 I was not handed this life of little strife to walk around in a field of flowers eating ice cream and chasing butterflies. I was put here to get my hands dirty and do some good. To help others in ways I hope to soon discover. In ways that will challenge me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

If it weren't for my mistakes, I don't know if I would be at the state in my life. This place of accepting my flaws and focusing on the forward. Onward and upward! 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

It's almost August?!?!

Whew! Holy summer! I cannot believe July is almost over. As of June 30th, 2014, I no longer work in the insurance industry. I finally took the plunge to focus all of my efforts on grad school and job searching for a position in a classroom with individuals with disabilities. It's been a bittersweet transition to say the least. On my last day of work, I took every back road home just crying and praying. I have been unbelievably blessed with my job for the past three years and have formed lifelong relationships with my boss and co-workers. The support and love I have felt there was incredible. I will be forever grateful for the experience I got at Service First Insurance. That being said, I thought of five critical things that my experience in a seemingly unrelated field taught me about work and life. 

1) What a full time job is. 

Before starting at Service First Insurance in July 2011, I had never had a full time job. It was not easy accepting that I had to get up every morning Monday-Friday and if I didn't want to- Welp, too bad. It's a job, not a vacation. It's called "work" for a reason. Go figure! 

2) "It is what it is". 

This phrase was spoken at least once a week in our office. I am the type of person who takes things (especially work related things) really seriously. When something went wrong or I messed something up, I would usually get pretty upset. Cue walking in to Rick's office on the verge of tears and him saying, "It is what it is". And he was usually right. Whatever it was, it worked out and everything turned out okay!

3) Don't take it personally. 

Working in any customer service position, there are times the customer, or insured, is not happy. Whether it's a premium going up thanks to a claim, a late fee, or "my neighbor's insurance is much cheaper!", I talked to some unhappy people. I've been called names, screamed at, cried at, it was an interesting position to be in. There were so many times I wanted to say, "Sir, I did not increase your insurance premium". However, I was the first contact. I was the one who answered the phone and was a real live person he/she could talk to. Once I learned to stop taking things so personally I made for a much better customer service representative. 

4) Experience is everything. 

I do have a VA insurance agent license. I had a big book that I studied and studied and studied. I learned nothing from that book. I learned more from Vickie, Rene, and Rick on a daily basis than I could have ever got from studying for the insurance licensing exam. Their experience and knowledge about insurance was what taught me about the field. All of the funny/ tricky things insurance has to offer, between the three if them, there was always an answer. 

5) Not everyone has a "First Grown Up Job" nightmare tale. 

It wasn't always a walk in the park, or a field of flowers, but as a whole, my first "real world" job experience was wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better boss or coworkers. I feel like we became a sort of work family. Not in a cheesy, "Let's all have a movie night and go out to dinner every month" sort of way, but in a real way. I spent the majority of my time for the past three years with these people and they were there to listen to my heartbreaks, family venting, and when I really screwed up, they were there to let me know how much they cared. 

The Little Things

(One of my "caught in the rain and captured on camera" moments. I really like the rain. . . Only in the summer- when it's warm)

As much as I LOVE the sunshine, I also really love the rain. This week I was lucky to get caught up in the middle of a downpour. The day was Thursday, I was wearing an exceptionally cute outfit, and it was a very good hair and makeup day. As I left the building I was in and started to make a dash for my car, I stopped. In the middle of the rain. It felt nice. Given where I was at, I couldn't exactly spin around, but I really wanted to! When I got to my car (trying not to look a little kooky walking slowly in the rain) I just stood there for a few minutes. Soaking wet in my cute outfit, I couldn't help but smile. A real, serious smile. The kind that makes your cheeks hurt and your heart happy.

It made me think of all of the times that has happened recently. I'm happy to say it's been quite a few. I thought about it and it's these little moments where your heart is so happy your face can't help but smile that make life look like a really wonderful thing. One of those "I LOVE MY LIFE" moments. June is almost over but I feel like it should still be February. The truth is, a June like this is something I would be happy to go back and do all over again. Not because it was perfect or because it was a walk in the park, but because I've started to stop and take a second to look at all of those little moments that mean so much. 

Specifically: getting caught in the rain, jumping off of a very large tree into the river, "floating" on that river in silence with some of the greatest friends I have ever met just taking it all in (the trees, the sounds, the sky, that place of total peace), seeing Tim McGraw and Luke Bryan with two of my favorite people in the whole world (both if them laughing hysterically at my "concert moves"), hearing a song on the radio that just makes my heart smile and scan through all of the stations to try to hear it again, catching up with the person I use to spend every day with and her "Ahhhhh" when I walked in the door to her grown up apartment, group texts with my sister and cousins, and lastly realizing that all of these things are so important. They should not be taken for granted, but celebrated. It's the little things. 

May sunbeams find you.

Lindsay

My Dad

When I was fourteen years old, my dad came to me and said if I ever had any questions about ANYTHING to come to him. At the time, I had no idea what he meant. These past few years, I slowly (mistake after mistake after mistake) began to understand. Throughout all of my slip ups and shortcomings, my dad has been there. To talk to, to cry to, to laugh about, and to just "be" there. I don't think there is anyone who quite understands me like my dad does. So, yesterday being Father's Day and all, I narrowed it down to 10 Great Dad moments: 

1) That time when I was about six and listened to the Eric Clapton song "Tears in Heaven" on repeat for an entire day. It made me so sad and I would not stop crying- all I wanted was my dad home with me. My mom called him and he left work and came home just to make me feel better. (And for later for taking me to see Eric Clapton, himself live. I was ten. My Dad was awesome.) 

2) Playing Candy Land with me for HOURS. 

3) SO many Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, O-Town, and Aaron Carter concerts. And putting me on his shoulders to get a better view.

4) Not telling mom when he caught me watching Friends in my room when I was little and I wasn't old enough to watch it.

5) The many hours of overtime and side jobs he worked to provide for our family. And letting me come with him Barbies and all.

6) Always being there for every soccer game, softball game, dance recital, play, and every other extracurricular I decided to embark upon. 

7) The very first time my heart was broken, my dad came upstairs, didn't say anything, but held me so hard as I was sobbing my heart out. He didn't leave until I fell asleep. 

8) My dad is never one to not share his thoughts on politics, or religion. I am so thankful for his faith in The Lord and love for this country. 

9) My Hallmark Movie buddy. We can watch Hallmark movies over and over again and they never get old. And there's that moment in every single one where one of us will say, "He wants to kiss her, he wants to hug her, he wants to love her" (a la Sandra Bullock in Miss. Congeniality). 

10) For putting up with three women for 20 years. A house full of estrogen and hormones. It's not easy- but he does it. 

And lastly: For letting me know how proud of me he is on a daily basis. It means the world to me.

I wouldn't be the person I am today without the love and support of my father.

Seeing all of the post on Facebook and Instagram yesterday about all of the "best dads" out there was really wonderful! There are some great ones out there! At the same time, my heart is breaking for those who don't have the "best dads". Or for those who do not have their dads here anymore to spend that special day with. My heart goes out to you. In my life recently I have come to notice how incredibly important it is to spend time with those you love. No one is promised tomorrow. As annoying as my Dad's snores are (think. . . Chainsaw),and the phrase "Are all of the curling irons off?!" EVERYTIME we leave the house, and the angry stomps to the garage about something breaking in the house- I love it all. I wouldn't change a thing. 

I love you Dad! Thank you. 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

I Don't Know How You Feel

I think many times when attempting to comfort another person, a phrase I have heard (and spoken) very often is, "I know how you feel". I admit I have been guilty with using this phrase, especially if I considered something I experienced along the same lines of the other individual. However, I want to be clear that with the field I am going in to, that is not a phrase I will be throwing around.

With readings for class, volunteering with individuals with disabilities, talking to other professionals, and parents, one thing is clear: I do not know how they feel. I have never struggled with a disability that makes ordinary activities challenging. I do not know how it feels to have a child with any sort of disability (or any child for that matter). I do not know what it feels like to see one of the students I love struggle with health or other issues out of their control (and that I cannot help with at all). I just don't. As much as I want to put myself in their shoes, the reality is, I am just not there.

I have been given a different path in life. One that has been full of opportunities and void of many struggles. I have never quite understood why I have so much and others do not. Why have I not had a life in which trials were a part of my every day walk of life? It's not fair. I do not understand and have not found an answer to this. But I am not wasting any more time trying to figure out why. I have been given skills, opportunities, and want to help others and share what I can. I have wasted a lot of time "YOLO-ing" and living for me and I have come to the conclusion that bad things happen when I'm all up in my own head. It's time to step outside of "me" and use my blessings for good. I want to do "good".

That being said, to all of the parents, students, and individuals I hope to work with one day I would like to say:

I have no idea how you feel. I will not even begin to compare my challenges to your daily life experience. But I want you to know I am here to help. I am here to take the abilities and heart I have been given and try to make your world a better place. I will not always succeed at this, but I want you to know I will do everything in my ability to try. I want to make your daily routine a little more manageable, spread awareness to the community, and become an advocate for you and your families. I do not know how you feel, but I am on your side.


May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

Crying on a Backpack

I had a bit of a "moment" this evening. After reviewing assignments for the upcoming week, I realized I missed three from the previous week. Participation points, yes, but still I find it unacceptable. I have held myself to a much higher standard in this Masters program than I ever had before. Looking at my June calendar I am feeling a bit on the "busy" side. Work is a mandatory, then add some 20 hours for grad school, some doctors appointments, mom's surgery, and then some really fun things planned on the weekends. I really do enjoy being busy, but I am also someone who enjoys Criminal Minds marathons and naps. 

This evening when I got on to see I had missed some assignments, I had my "moment" and emailed my professor about dropping the course. I also texted my friends I wouldn't be able to go kayaking this weekend (a trip that's been planned for over a month). After a quick response that my grade is not tarnished and that I should be able to catch up (but withdrawing is still an option), I had to take a step back. I have some busy things going on right now, but what is it going to be a year from now? When I am teaching or involved in other things? How would I fit it all in then? And how in the heck does anyone do this college (grad/undergrad/associates/ANY OF IT) with a spouse and kids?! There's a reason God thumped on my heart that this is the time for me to be pursuing this. 

One of those little quote-y things that makes its way around Facebook, Instagram, and Pintrest is, "Do something today your future self will thank you for". Welp- today this is it. I'm not withdrawing, I'm not canceling on my friends. I'm going to suck it up, work twice as hard as I have been, and put my daily calendar to good use. 

Maybe I will miss out on a nap, and maybe I won't watch TV this week, but I've got to get to it. Who knows where I will be in a year, but I know I want this particular class completed. If I'm busy now, chances are I will always be busy. Sounds like life. I think I'd like to go back in time and have a serious talk to my younger self when I whined the words, "I'm booooooored". 

It's going to be a full summer, but I've also got to make time for the fun stuff too. Like baseball games, concerts, kayaking, baby showers, and trips to a village safari. I've just got to learn to focus and plan, plan and focus. And maybe utilize my dry shampoo more often. 

My future self will thank me. 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

One Hand in My Pocket.

"Hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morrisette was one of my favorite songs when I was 6, and then again when I was in college. I thought I knew the meaning of this song at 19, but the lyrics settle with me now more than ever. At 19, I thought by 24 I would absolutely have it all figured out. But here I am, almost 25 and I'm more clueless than ever about this thing called life. 

I guess I could say I thought I would be somewhere else by now. I would have a career, maybe a husband, live in a big city or on the beach, be able to afford that convertible I have always wanted, and really be a "grown up" out there on my own. 

Little did I know, things don't always turn out how you think they will. One of my favorite phrases is, "If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans". I don't think I would have ever foreseen I would be just starting my career, going back to school, living at home with my parents, driving the same car I did when I was 17, realized that not everyone marries their high school sweetheart, and still residing in little ole Sumerduck. 

Although I think my 19 year old self might have been a little disappointed by this reality that is my life, I wouldn't change a single thing. Sure I complain quite frequently about wanting to live in my own place in a big city or near a beach somewhere, but that's not in my near future. And that's okay! 

How blessed I am to have two parents that let me still live in their house and actually like having me at home? I have to stop sometimes and take a step back because I find myself seriously complaining about having parents who love me too much and want to help and support me in any and every way they can. How amazing is it that my little Saturn has had little to no problems since I got it in 2007? Holla atcha Saturn. I'm so glad I found out at 20 (and again at 22 & 23) that some people are just not meant to be together. Though I think I'm a little behind (I had a plan remember?) I am so amazed I found my calling and it's something I love studying and working towards. 

I look around at all my friends who are getting married, having kids, moving out on their own, starting new jobs, and it's all so exciting!

If someone would have asked me 6 months ago, I would have been honest and said, "I'm jealous. Yes. Jealous. I want to do those things!". That bitter evil green monster would always get the better of me. 

But now, I have a sort of new perspective on things. Maybe it's the beautiful weather getting to me, or the pretty blue/green calming tones all around, but I'm happy about life right now. I have found a place of peace within my heart. We're all a part of some journey. We all have our own story to tell. We all battle demons of some kind. We all reach these milestones at some point in our lives. Some sooner, some later, some never at all, but we're all in this crazy thing called life together. 

I don't know exactly what my future looks like at all. I don't know exactly where I'll be, what I'll be doing, who's going to be around, or where my journey is going to take me. And I find that the most exciting part of all.

 I know what my calling is. I know that I need to be in a field where I am helping others. The rest? I'm looking forward to seeing what happens. 

"What it all boils down to, Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

'cause I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a high five".

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay

"Sounds of Summer"

Looking over the music in my I-Tunes library and the pre-set channels on the radio in my car, it would not be hard to guess what my favorite genre of music is. I really love country music. It makes me smile. So, in honor of seeing Dierks Bentley today at WMZQ Fest I will share the "poem" I created for my sister for her birthday to let her know I got her the 2014 Country Megaticket (tickets for Dierks Bentley, Luke Bryan, Tim McGraw, Toby Keith, Rascal Flats, Miranda Lambert, and Brad Paisley). If you enjoy popular country music, I think you will appreciate it. Note: If it is in italics it is a song title or lyric (of the artists in the mega ticket). 

On March 2, 1994, God sent me my best friend. We've come so far since that day, and I thought I loved you then. 

I know there have been a few times we could have called 5-1-5-0, but I know you understand a heart like mine. 

You're a country girl with a southern voice and I thank God for the house that built us. Brought to you courtesy of the red, white, and blue and our last name.

And, my wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to: Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small. And sister, you can crash my party anytime.  

So, I bet you got a dead cell phone in your shotgun seat. But you better charge that thing, shake it for me girl, and get a little high on summertime. Because I got you the WMZQ Country Mega Ticket. 

May sunbeams find you! 

Lindsay

The Money and the Glamour

   
"I swear they are going to ask me what I ate for lunch last Tuesday"- this is one of many phrases I have uttered while completing teaching applications. But while these applications are a bit daunting, I keep reminding myself: This is the easy part.

When I first decided I was going to pursue special education, I already had a Virginia Teaching Licence (Pre-K through 6). I had already taken all of the necessary tests and completed my full semester of student teaching. I had also said out loud many of times, "I will never be a teacher!" It was hard! Really hard! Just ask my roommates in college, they can vouch I came home almost every Friday in tears. Teaching on any level is not a walk in the park. When I tell people I am pursuing special education I usually get a mix of different responses. It's to the point now I feel like I should add a disclaimer: "I am pursuing special education and YES I know it is going to be very challenging." 

This mix of responses threw me off guard at first. Most of them positive. Especially from individuals who know me the best. But every now and then there is a comment that makes me want to cringe.  Such as:

"I hope you like data and writing." 

         Response: Yes, actually I do.

"If you couldn't handle regular kids, what makes you think you could handle those kids."

         Honest response: I prefer those kids. 

"That county doesn't pay very well. Not for what you will be doing."

         My best response to date: WAIT. WHAT? I thought teaching was about the money and the glamour?"  I'm usually not quick enough for sarcasm but I've got a few zingers.

Yes, those are actual responses from real, live people. And talking to some of my classmates and professors, there have been worse. 

I know what I am getting myself in to. I went through the majority of my life thinking I was going to be a Kindergarten teacher. Once I was fully licensed to become one, I decided that was one thing I would not do. I went in to that experience with Rose colored glasses. Life lesson: teaching kindergarten is not singing, dancing, and have a bunch of little friends that will automatically respect you. Four years of college and countless dollar amounts later- I wanted to be positive this time around. After volunteering with adults with disabilities, subbing in classrooms for individuals with special needs, and talking with others in the field, I know what I am meant to do. 

Looking back, some of the faults I had in a general education setting are actually great qualities for a special education teacher. For example, "Too patient" (Yes- this was on one of my evaluations). I think that is a wonderful trait that is only going to help me in this field. That's just my opinion. 

I also believe it is a "heart thing". This field is a calling. I feel like I have been led to working with this population and it's something that I cannot explain. I've started the summer semester this week and on our class forum some of my classmates have expressed the same feeling. It's good to know I am not alone.

I know this is going to be hard. I know this is going to challenge me physically, mentally, and emotionally. But when you feel that swell in your heart of happiness that you're doing the right thing, you should run towards that thing with all you have. No salary could ever replace that for me. Applications are the easy part. Teaching will be hard. 

Suprisingly enough, it's not about the money and the glamour. Because nothing accessorizes a pair of J Crew pants like someone's lunch. And there is no better embellishment to my hair than a cherry from someone's fruit cup. 

May sunbeams find you!

Lindsay